Two Months

it's getting harder.
people said it would.

i bought a pomegranate last week when i saw them at the grocery store. it's sitting in my fruit basket. i hate pomegranates. but it made me think of my dad. i remember countless times, when in AZ for christmas, my dad would crack one open and spit the little seeds at us. he loved them. i showed it to madison and explained why we bought it. maybe she will grow up liking them like her grandpa!

my mom mentioned today that porter was at a little meeting with her - when the man sitting next to her began to speak, porter woke up and looked around. he never hears men's voices!

hannah and kamber said porter smiled in his sleep a couple days ago and they said, "dallin must be telling him a joke right now." i wish we got the chance to see him hold his little baby boy, at least once.

i dropped dan off at the airport sunday and it reminded me of all the times my dad came down to visit. he would work a long day thursday, drive straight from work to vegas, fly to phoenix, spend a couple days with us and my grandparents (mostly madison) and then fly back. i was proud to be his 'shuttle service'. this would be about the time he would come visit - every couple of months.

i feel like my world is continuing to turn upside down. i don't think in the beginning i fully comprehended how this would affect me, in every aspect of my life, and for the rest of the time we are on this earth.

luckily we have been given our agency. i know that there can be happiness amidst tragedy, we just have to choose it. there are so many memories that make me sad and so many times i think of my dad and dallin and cry. but more often i think of them and smile - laugh at memories that come rushing back. my parents have a really steep driveway and my dad used to pull half way up, in our big, huge van and then shift into neutral and coast backwards down it. back and forth. back and forth. i hated it! but when chris wrote from japan and reminded us of that small memory, i laughed and i appreciated it.

i miss them so much and still can't believe this happened. i feel like i might still wake up from this nightmare. but at least we have the chance to choose happiness. we have the hope of the Gospel. i am grateful for that.