Silver Lining

so here's the story:

it started in early december when we found out we were expecting little skinner #3. we were so excited, to say the least. {some people might think we're crazy to want our kids close together but so far we've loved it.} i went in for the first prenatal appointment with the calendar saying i was 10 weeks which put our due date at july 15, we thought 7 was more accurate, and the ultrasound showed 5-6. obviously quite a difference between the numbers. there was no heartbeat during the ultrasound but if 5-6 weeks was accurate then it was too early to hear one anyway. i was scheduled for another ultrasound two weeks later to check again. i was a little bit nervous but tried not to worry.

we thought it would be fun to tell our families the good news on christmas morning since my mom and mark and hannah were at our house and we'd head to the skinners later.

i LOVE my mom's face in this picture. it makes me smile every time i look at it. she wasn't quite sure what was going on until hannah said, "oh, are you guys pregnant?".

i bought two little shirts that say "i love being a big sister". it was fun to see their reaction and it reminded me of when we told my dad we were pregnant with grace. later christmas morning we went to the skinners and laura {my mother in-law} helped madison open the box of shirts again. everyone was excited.

we explained the discrepancy between the ultrasound dates and the calendar and were still hoping for the best. physically, i felt pretty good as long as i ate something first thing in the morning and didn't have any other problems.

our second ultrasound was on new year's eve day. thankfully dan was off and went with me. i was pretty nervous and very antsy. i went in expecting bad news because i didn't want to have my hopes and be disappointed. i am glad i did.

we could tell immediately that what we were seeing on the ultrasound was not a 9 or 12 week old fetus (depending on how far along i should have been). there was no change in that two week period and the ultrasound tech was done in a matter of minutes. she said our doctor (who is dan's uncle and is incredible) would call us later that day. but we already knew what had happened.

i got the call later that afternoon, making it official.

i had really mixed feelings: relief to finally know the truth and to be able to stop worrying, sadness at the loss of opportunity to have that little spirit join our family later this year, grateful that i felt prepared and not shocked by the bad news, surprised at the depth of sorrow i felt but also the amount of comfort. it's amazing how the exciting news of an upcoming little one changes your life so quickly - all the planning and organizing - and we had known for only 5 short weeks.

i feel like i have processed it well, surprisingly.
i think what it comes down to is that this experience and loss does not even come close to what i experienced and lost when my dad and brother died. plus i have two beautiful, healthy little girls to dote on and keep me busy, and i know we will have the opportunity to continue adding to our family - this is just a short set back. i am grateful for our incredible bodies and the miracle that bearing children is. so many things have to happen perfectly in order for a healthy child to come into this world and i know that something just went wrong; it's natural, and common, and not my fault.
i have felt surprisingly peaceful.
tender mercy number bazillion for me.

madison found out about 'the baby in my tummy' on christmas morning too. when we asked her if she wanted a little brother or another little sister she said, "both!" every time. i was nervous about how this would affect her but she has been a champ. we just don't talk about the baby in my tummy anymore and it seems she has forgotten about the whole thing. how do you explain a miscarriage to an almost three year old without making them sad? we figure when we're expecting again, madison will just think it's been one looong pregnancy.

moving on in this novel of mine...
we scheduled a d&c for one week later and felt really good about it. for some reason i thought it was a simple procedure in the doctor's office. nope. it's a simple procedure alright, but they knock you out! like i mentioned before, my biggest fear besides losing loved ones has always been surgery. for some reason it freaks me out - the putting you to sleep part. i had dan take this picture of me and the girls the night before in case i didn't wake up after the surgery. no joke.

dan gave me a priesthood blessing and it reminded me how grateful i am for his worthiness and willingness to do so. i am lucky to have such an incredible husband and he has been wonderful through it all.

i went in wed and everything went smoothly. i remember waking up and just kept asking questions: "was i intubated? did you tape my eye lids shut? how long was the procedure? what time is it? how long was i out? have i said anything weird? i will stop talking now." i think it was because i'd been so scared to go under anesthesia. i was a little tired but virtually pain free and woke up the next day good to go.

this whole thing has been such a learning experience.
i am grateful for the gospel and the plan of salvation.
i am grateful for my testimony of it.
i have seen how my perspective has changed so much in the last year and a half and that i really believe in the importance of elder wirthlin's advice, "come what may, and love it".
he said, "the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life."
i know this is true.

there is a silver lining in everything, we just have to find it.