11 months

i've thought long and hard today, trying to decide what to write about and couldn't think of anything specific. so here are some random thoughts:

i can't seem to get enough of utah. i've spent 11 weeks out of the last 11 months there. kind of a lot! i don't like going home without knowing when my next trip will be, and leaving always makes me feel homesick - maybe because 'life goes on' in AZ and sometimes thats hard when you feel like your world has changed. but my home is in AZ

as it gets closer to the one year mark, i can remember things we were doing then and conversations we had. like how excited Dallin was to be a dad and telling me how he was going to sand and stain a dresser to go in their nursery. he finished the dresser, 2 days before the crash; its beautiful. it is in Porter's room at my mom's house.

i'm worried about forgetting things, like their voices and little mannerisms, or the way they walked and carried themselves. like Dallin reaching his arms above his head, trying to stretch and compact his stomach to make room for the rest of the food he had ambitiously piled on his plate. or the way they phrased things, like my dad, when he was rounding us up for family prayer, "let's say prayers!" i don't want to let go of those little things, as silly as that may seem.

i'm desperate to get to cedar for sat, august 22. i'm not sure why - there is nothing big going on but i just feel a need to be there. partly for me, partly for my family? i want to plan the day around my dad and brother, favorite foods, restaurants, activities, places... everything to celebrate and remember them. i want to go to the cemetery. and just sit and think. i really hope i can make it up there.

sometimes i wonder, because we are doing 'well' and have continued to live our lives and move forward, if people assume we have finished grieving. we haven't. i think we will always grieve. maybe not as frequently, but always as deep. and thats ok; it's because we love them so much. there has been healing and will continue to be, but there is room for both.

lastly, i was struck by these words in a way i hadn't been before as i sang to madison tonight before bed:

"I am a child of God;
Rich blessings are in store.
If I but learn to so His will,
I'll live with Him once more.

Lead me, guide me,
Walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do,
To live with Him someday. "

i am blessed.

despite what has happened to our family, i have much to be grateful for. i have been led and guided throughout my life by 'parents kind and dear' and will always cherish that. since the crash, i have continued to be led and guided and supported, through my family, the Spirit, continual tender mercies, the love and prayers of others, and my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. i need to 'learn to do His will'. if so, then i can look forward to multiple great reunions that day.