that's how long it's been since the crash. it feels like just yesterday and an eternity ago at the same time.
"how are you doing?" didn't used to be a hard question to answer. i don't know what to say now. i am good, considering all that has happened, losing my dad and brother, but that doesn't mean everything is fine. i still panic inside when i see a picture of them because i still can't believe this happened. i cringe when i am scrolling through contacts on my phone and i see my dad and brother's names but i just can't bear to delete them yet. it seems too final. i know that sounds crazy. sometimes the reality of what lies ahead, life without my dad and dallin, just makes me cry and cry till there aren't any tears left.
but in a lot of ways my family is doing well. my brother who is in Japan on a mission seems to be doing great. he is in a good area, with a great companion and even though he is trying to sort this all out with the rest of us, he sounds up beat and encouraged. what a blessing! my mom was able to sell a big farm that my parents owned part of which frees up finances to be allocated other places - another tender mercy. kamber had a couple baby showers and i think has just about everything she needs for her little boy when he gets here. it is wonderful to know that our family is being provided for.
the more i study and read, the more understanding i have of this gospel and of the plan of salvation and the spirit world, which is wonderful and brings peace. but there is still a deep hurt that just aches when i think of my dad and brother. that hasn't started to go away. i don't know if it ever will. being in AZ, i feel so disconnected. they were in cedar, my family is in cedar, i felt close to them in cedar.
"how am i doing?" - as good as can be expected, but not 'good'. i am so grateful for the things that make me smile, like madison and every cute little thing she does. what a blessing she is! i am grateful for the memories i have as my family spent more time together over the past couple of years than we had previously. i really feel like Heavenly Father was preparing us for this trial. i am grateful for that. i am grateful once again that families are forever. i can't wait for that day!
9/22/2008
One Month... 31 Days...
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12 comments:
I love you Marie! You really are the greatest. Let me know if there is anything I can do or anything fun you want to try!
Oh, Marie. My eyes are full of tears for you. I'm sorry that this is one of your trials. It's okay to cry, and I'm sure you'll think of your dad and brother every day for the rest of your life. Hugs from me.
What a great family picture. I am praying for you and your family everyday.
Love you!
you are such an inspiration! thank you for your words!
Oh, Marie, I wish we were closer so I could give you a hug. Just remember it all takes time. When someone first passes away we hold onto everything that reminds us of them because the pain of letting it go just reminds us of our sorrow. As time goes on, we begin to understand the things that truely remind us of all the good memories and the wonderful people they were. Once we can become comfortable with that, even though we miss them, love them and have moments that we ache for them, the longing sorrow subsides and we have happiness when we see their momentos instead of sorrow. Every day will get a little bit better, but the deepest wounds take the longest to heal, and I think that time also gives us the greatest opportunity to understand the gospel. While those tears are exhausting, they are also cleansing. All our love.
We think of you guys often and pray that you'll have comfort and strength and peace, especially during those hard moments, which I'm guessing are pretty often. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and feelings through all of this:)
My eyes are overflowing with tears. I can't imagine what you are going through - I think about you often and your unbelievable strength - you are an inspiration to us all. Thanks for sharing your thought and trial with us. We love you and pray for you still!
I am so sorry for the loss and the pain and sorrow you are still suffering. Losing loved ones is the hardest thing to deal with. Thank you for taking the time to write this all down as you experience it. I wish I would have when my dad died, and your words remind of all the things that I went through. I am so glad that families are forever too! I wished at the time that Heavenly Father would have just taken us all at the same time so that we never would have to be apart. It took a good few months for me to stop crying every day, and the desperate sense of loss took a while to go away. It just doesn't make sense that they are gone when they have always been there. It's ironic, but one day when the "How are you's" stop, you'll wonder where they went :) We always wished people would stop asking. My mom just stopped answering the phone for a couple months because she hated answering that question every 5 minutes and saying "good," when she really wanted to yell at the person and tell them, "My husband is gone, how do you THINK I am??" Anyway, by the way, I didn't realize that you were pregnant again, congratulations!
Tyceson and I are so very sorry for your loss. You are an amazing person and from your posts you can tell how strong you are in the gospel, and how it gives you strength! What a good example for all of us. Your little girl is absolutely adorable, and I hope you are feeling ok with your baby coming up! We are praying for you and your family.
*big hug*
Marie,
You are an amazing person and a superb example. I will always keep your family in my prayers. I think of you often.
Love,
Jordan
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