It's Hard To Put Into Words

April 23, 2010

it's 2 am, utah time, and i can't sleep.
my dad's suitcase from his mission in paraguay. i can't get it out of my head.  i saw it sitting calmly on a shelf in the storage room of my parent's house tonight as i was looking for something. it triggered thoughts and memories. then again, just being in cedar does that.
we have a full house tonight - mom and mark upstairs, with jacob and natalli {my cousin and his wife} in the guest room. hannah, dan, and the girls and i are taking up the three bedrooms downstairs.  chris's bedroom is set up, ready for him to come home next month.{i know, next month. crazy.} dallin's room looks as it did in high school- his grandees hat still pinned to the bulletin.  you would never guess that kamber and porter lived in these two rooms for almost a year.

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April 25, 2010

i sang to madison tonight while tucking her into bed, just as she requested.
"i love to see the temple", "i am a child of God", and "families can be together forever".
perfect for the occasion.
we've been in cedar this weekend and tomorrow we'll make the big trek home.
its been hard.

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January 16, 2011

december was a hard month - i was stressed and sick and tired and sad.  i think it first started to creep in during thanksgiving weekend.  i remember waking up that friday morning and saying to my mom, "i just feel kind of ornery today.  i don't know why." it felt like being a moody teenager again. after several weeks i started to realize the why.  i alluded to it here but couldn't ever find a way to put into words exactly what i was feeling.  plus, december is saved for holiday cheer and i was like the grinch trying to disguise myself as an elf.

i miss my dad and brother.  i always will, i know that.  but sometimes the swirling strength of those emotions is overwhelming.  unfortunately it impacted me too much this holiday season.
 
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today is august 21, 2011.  tomorrow marks three years since my dad and brother passed away.  three whole years.  can you believe it? i can't.

i've found it's harder to open up about it now.  not them - i love to talk about dallin and my dad.  but about my feelings and thoughts and how much i still miss them.  its almost as if three years later, i'm surprised at how raw it still feels and that i should keep it to myself.  so i mostly do. 

when i do try and write down what i'm thinking, like i did in the months following the crash, it usually results in unfinished posts, like above.  they get saved away, never to be finished.  but that's ok because there is a time and a place for everything.

i'm ready for tomorrow to come and go.  dan has the day off, madison has her first day of real preschool, grace and i will get some quality bonding time, the missionaries are coming over for dinner, jake fits in there somewhere, and on top of that we have some fun things planned to help make the day special. 

because we have some pretty special people to remember.