regrets are a waste of time.
don't spend any time thinking about them
they will drive you crazy.
having regrets doesn't make it easier.
i was told all of these after the crash. i figured they were true so i pushed any thoughts of regret aside. or tried to at least. but they crept back in, unknowingly.
last march, a friend said she would struggle with regrets if she was experiencing this same thing and the asked how it was for me. obviously hindsight is 20/20 and we all have things we wish we could go back and change. but when she asked me this, one conversation stood out in my mind, most clearly, and i was surprised at how deeply emotional i got when telling her the story.
"i know i said i'd come see the nursery but there is no way i can make it over there tonight dallin. i still need to finish packing for my trip and then put madison to bed. i should have gotten it all done earlier. plus i have an early flight to catch. i'm sorry! but i will see it when i get back from missouri in a couple days, ok? i'm sure the room looks super cute."
the only other thing i remember was hearing the disappointment in dallin's voice when he realized i wasn't coming. but he understood and we said goodnight and i love you.
that was the last time i talked to my brother.
i hate it. i hate thinking about. i hate the choice i made that night. and i hate regretting it. this has been a really hard thing for me to let go, though so small.
but i had an epiphany tonight. one with very random timing.
i was driving some of my beehives home from mutual (girls from our church youth group) and they turned my cd player on - the high school musical soundtrack started playing. i'm not at all the world's greatest singer but i am proud to say i at least kept up with the girls while we belted out song after song.
then all of a sudden it just hit me:
don't let that night keep bothering you!
dallin let it go THAT night - i am sure! of course he was disappointed i didn't go see the nursery but that isn't something i have to feel guilty about forever. he wants us (me) to be happy and enjoy our lives, not mope around feeling sorry. we need to live life to the fullest.
and for dallin, part of living his life to the fullest was telling those he loved, how much they meant to him. now, i will try and focus on that part of our conversation we had one year ago - that the last thing we said to each other was,
"I love you."
&
"I love you too."
don't spend any time thinking about them
they will drive you crazy.
having regrets doesn't make it easier.
i was told all of these after the crash. i figured they were true so i pushed any thoughts of regret aside. or tried to at least. but they crept back in, unknowingly.
last march, a friend said she would struggle with regrets if she was experiencing this same thing and the asked how it was for me. obviously hindsight is 20/20 and we all have things we wish we could go back and change. but when she asked me this, one conversation stood out in my mind, most clearly, and i was surprised at how deeply emotional i got when telling her the story.
"i know i said i'd come see the nursery but there is no way i can make it over there tonight dallin. i still need to finish packing for my trip and then put madison to bed. i should have gotten it all done earlier. plus i have an early flight to catch. i'm sorry! but i will see it when i get back from missouri in a couple days, ok? i'm sure the room looks super cute."
the only other thing i remember was hearing the disappointment in dallin's voice when he realized i wasn't coming. but he understood and we said goodnight and i love you.
that was the last time i talked to my brother.
i hate it. i hate thinking about. i hate the choice i made that night. and i hate regretting it. this has been a really hard thing for me to let go, though so small.
but i had an epiphany tonight. one with very random timing.
i was driving some of my beehives home from mutual (girls from our church youth group) and they turned my cd player on - the high school musical soundtrack started playing. i'm not at all the world's greatest singer but i am proud to say i at least kept up with the girls while we belted out song after song.
then all of a sudden it just hit me:
don't let that night keep bothering you!
dallin let it go THAT night - i am sure! of course he was disappointed i didn't go see the nursery but that isn't something i have to feel guilty about forever. he wants us (me) to be happy and enjoy our lives, not mope around feeling sorry. we need to live life to the fullest.
and for dallin, part of living his life to the fullest was telling those he loved, how much they meant to him. now, i will try and focus on that part of our conversation we had one year ago - that the last thing we said to each other was,
"I love you."
&
"I love you too."
3 comments:
Ah Marie. You are so amazing. I LOVE reading your blog to feel of the sweet spirit that is present every time you write. You are absolutley correct. Dallin wants you to be happy and he DOES love you, as does your dad. Both of them. Your earthly father and your Heavenly Father. And they are preparing a place for you. Each of you. Because families are forever.
Wow. What a great thing to write. I think you're right, sometimes we focus on what we said wrong or what we should've changed (in any situation that involves others), and I've fretted over my mistakes. I'm beginning to learn to let things go and trust that my friends and family cut me some slack, and I try to do the same for them.
I love that you had your epiphany while listening to High School Musical! :)
I agree, I'm sure Dallin would want you to be happy and enjoy life.
Love you!
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